Positive, the test said!!! There could have been three more exclamation points at the end of that result, for that is how I felt in my heart—overbrimming with excitement. And yet part of me was careful, hesitant to allow the full rejoicing out before my husband. Heartbreakingly, I had already lost two babies due to miscarriage, both at eight and six weeks. I still held many unanswered questions.
With this pregnancy, I was very nauseous, but it didn’t matter. I was praising the Lord for the blessing of this baby. The heart was beating strong, and I measured right along. One of the greatest gifts was the first ultrasound when we witnessed the baby dancing! The ultrasound tech watched, and we all laughed. I felt the baby move early, and what joy filled my heart.On the morning of July 23rd (my birthday), we set out to have our 20-week ultrasound. My husband John made delicious omelets, and we brought our two daughters, who were five and two years old. As the ultrasound tech was looking at the baby, she was reticent. I asked if everything was alright, and she responded that the doctor would talk to us and left the room without a word. At that moment, I knew something was wrong. So we prayed. The doctor came in to share with us the detailed news; there was no heartbeat.
God’s Word Close
As many of you know and can attest, this is why we hide God’s Word in our heart, for times like these.
“I will never leave you.” Hebrews 13:5b
“He will not fear evil tidings; for his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.” Psalm 112:7
These verses flooded my heart. The love of God rushed over me. He was with me. He is close to the broken-hearted. The staff was so gracious, and they even cried with us. We found out our baby was a girl. She measured 18 weeks, so she most likely had died two weeks prior.However, more hard news came our way. I would still have to go through labor and deliver her. I was shocked, and the tears flowed. But my Lord was with me, carrying me through. I spoke to the doctor alone and shared the verse that we don’t grieve as those without hope. At that moment, I realized I had what I needed! I had Christ, who is my living hope and my strength! I understood the power of God within me; I have the answers. I had the God of all comforts (2 Corinthians 1).
The following day, the most beautiful sunrise and Psalm 139 came into my mind – this was a day ordained before the foundation of the world. God is the author of life. He has gone before me. As we were driving to the hospital, I wanted to be on the other side of the trial. I didn’t want to go through it. There was no easy way through, only step by step with the Lord.
When we are at our weakest, He shines the brightest through us. Christ was never more real in my life than on that day. God’s path for me and the story He is writing in my life is the only one that He and I can walk through alone. He designed it this way.
God is in control, and He is our strength! We were in the hospital room and had to name her; this was so hard. We decided Hope Elizabeth and read the verses Romans 3:3-5. Delivering Hope was so different from the other babies. The room was dim, with no lights camera action—death, not life. The nurses delivered her and brought her back in a little blanket. I was so thankful to hold her and see her! She had long legs and big lips; she was a Cox!
Worship in Darkness
Charles Spurgeon said, “O dear friend, when thy grief presses Thee to the very dust, worship there!”
The Lord began to teach me how to sing in the darkness. Because the Lord was with us, even the delivery room was holy ground. We could worship Him still. And we did!The days following were challenging, but a path of praise was illuminated in the darkness. We made a gospel track and went to the hospital on Hope’s due date and passed it out along with gifts to the next five delivering moms in honor of Hope’s life.
“It is easy to sing when we can read the notes by daylight; but he is the skillful singer who can sing when there is not a ray of light by which to read, who sings from his heart, and not from a book that he can see, because he has no means of reading, save from that inward book of his own living spirit, whence notes of gratitude pour forth in songs of praise.” ~Spurgeon
The truth is, the Lord is purposeful in everything He does. He wastes nothing. Kept in a bottle are the tears of those struggling with infertility; and broken-hearted moms with wayward children. The Lord is ever near. Where there is the grief of a mother lost, one day, there will be GAIN. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy! He will fulfill His promises! All of them!
Worthy to Suffer
The Lord has revealed a few of these eternal purposes to me this side of heaven. Each time I can comfort another Mom amid stillbirth or miscarriage-I praise God! My relationship with Him is made even more precious because He would consider me worthy to suffer and takes me back to that delivery room every time. I’m reminded one day, there will be no more night or death, and He will wipe away our tears! In heaven, there are going to be the most incredible shouts of JOY! Beyond all compare! And I, for one, cannot wait to join that heavenly chorus!
You may not be going through a miscarriage as I experienced, but what holy ground may God be calling you to worship on. May the peace and comfort of Christ be yours, and may you know that you are loved!
